So, apparently, there is a part of me that goes into panic when I start the quitting smoking process. Over the last few days, any time that a cigarette has crossed my mind, whether I am feeling the craving for one or not, the thought becomes an obsession. Yesterday, I smoked 7 cigarettes, plus a few puffs off an eighth one. I’m moderately disappointed about those few puffs, and that I smoked the most number of cigarettes in the allotment for the day. I’m trying to not beat myself up too much about it, though. It is where I am at at the present moment as I make this life altering change.
Life altering, you ask? I do believe the term applies here. I am removing a habit that has been a part of my life for 30 years ( O.O ). Though I walked into this process with complete confidence in my ability to accomplish my goal, and I still have that most of the time, I think I believed that I had put all of the necessary ‘tools’ in my backpack to make it through the challenge with minimal discomfort. Yeah, I’m good at deluding myself sometimes.
How any of me believed this could even remotely have any part of ease to it, I have no idea. Perhaps it was the blinder I needed to really commit to this process. I’ve tried so many times and failed. I believe this is my 9th attempt. I hate saying attempt because it feels as if that is pre-planning failure.
Part of me wants to just skip this pre-quitting ration portion of my plan and just walk away from the cigarettes all together, right now, but then I feel the panic rising. There is a very real part of me that wants to hold onto this one thing that has been a part of my life for so long. It is one of the only constants I have had.
Yes, I do hear how ridiculous that sounds. It doesn’t change the feeling, though. I guess it’s a good thing I have given myself this week of rationing. Even if I screw up on the amount of cigarettes I have for the day, it is causing me to really look at smoking, why I smoke, how I feel about quitting – the good and the panic. Though it doesn’t feel like I can do this today, I think this week is going to show me just how capable I am of succeeding.
Again, wish me luck!!!