So, I ended up with a pack of cigarettes yesterday. I had decided that yesterday would be the day that I began the rationing of cigarettes to help begin breaking some of the habitual part of smoking by being even more conscious of when and why I’m having a cigarette and causing me to change-up when I have a cigarette while not going through complete withdrawals. It sounds like a solid plan to me so I am going to stick with it. I have tried quitting cold turkey before and have not been successful at all. Well, I made it a week once.
Anyway, the rationing is going to go like this:
September 24th, 25th, and 26th, I am allowing myself to smoke between 5 and 7 cigarettes. September 27th, 28th, 29th, and 30th, I will allow myself between 3 and 5 cigarettes. I may end up including September 27th in the 5-7 cigarettes a day category, but we will see how today and tomorrow go. October 1st is the quit day.
Yesterday, I had 6 cigarettes. I see this as the habit is still firmly in place but the desire to quit is putting up a good fight. I have been smoking between 7 and 10 cigarettes a day for…well, most of the time I’ve been smoking, so I think starting out the limiting of cigarettes in the 5-7 zone is appropriate. It’s not complete denial and it is not completely giving in to the habit.
The fact that life is extremely busy right now is a great help. I found that when I had too much time on my hands yesterday was when I wanted a cigarette the most. Boredom makes me antsy. Today isn’t scheduled to be as busy as yesterday so I am going to have to find things to occupy my time and mind.
As I said in my FotP post yesterday, I have downloaded a bunch of meditations onto the sd card in my phone. Who knows? I might just become a meditation guru by the end of this process 😉 I also have ordered a few books through Amazon to help keep my mind busy. Unfortunately, the earliest delivery date for them isn’t until tomorrow. There are a couple of books for next to nothing that I can download from Amazon, but I have found I enjoy reading so much more when I have the physical book in hand(s). I could go to the library to check out some books, but I am hard on books and know that. I tend not to check out books from the library that are for simple enjoyment because of that fact. I may end up just downloading a book or two onto my tablet just to get me through until my books arrive.
So it has begun. I’m optimistic and anxious at the same time. I want this but there is the huge unknown looming in front of me too. There is also the past failures. I know those can’t be my focus, that I have to believe I can do this, and most of me is on board with that. The fear of failure is making sure it is known, though I keep pushing it aside, telling myself that was then, I wasn’t completely ready, I gave in to habit too easily/quickly, this time will be different.
I have had two cigarettes already this morning. I’m going to need to re-arrange/clear off my desk area. Since my desk is outside (the only place I have for it), there is an ashtray on it, right next to the computer. That’s got to go. I also need to have my husband not leave smoking stuffs on the desk. He is trying to quit also but he is using an e-cig/vaporizer to do so. I could try that route, too, but I honestly see that as switching one habit for another. I don’t want to do that. I just want to be done with smoking all together. I know a lot of people have had great success switching to vaping instead of smoking and I think that’s great, for them. They have created a “healthier” habit. I don’t want the habit at all. I can do this. I just have to remain focused, apply self-discipline, don’t give up, make it through the withdrawals knowing it is just part of the process.