I really wish I knew what I had been dreaming about but I don’t. At any rate, I woke up in a panic this morning. No matter how much I tried to just tell my head that things will work out, it takes time, the solutions are there whether or not I can see them at the moment, I just could not get back to sleep.
I made my coffee and headed toward my computer to try to find something to distract my mind. I’ve read a few new posts on a few blogs, some that I follow and some that I don’t. I checked out the Weekly Photo Challenge at the Daily Post. I posted some pictures on The Lens of My Camera. The nagging panic is still there, though it is not the only thought/feeling I have anymore, so I’m writing about it to try to out its grip on me this morning.
I’m panicking about money. This is not a new thing, but I usually have it in a manageable place where I can apply the solutions to it as I find them. This morning, it is screaming its fear, pointing out every last thing I have not been able to take care of yet, telling me of all the things coming up that will need to be dealt with, and pointing an accusing finger at every last thing that is/could/might stand in the way of taking care of these things. One of the worst parts is when it joins forces with doubt and then talks about the patent I’m working on. Yes, Panic and Doubt are the villainous, dynamic duo that is trying to take over my world and keep me stuck in perpetual discomfort. Where is my Cape of Invincibility now?
I know part of what is spurring this attack. Cleans are starting to slow down for the season and this leaves a vulnerable spot just ripe for attack. The curb painting season is also coming to an end. Two sources of income dwindling in size. Panic loves that.
The patent I am working on is coming along nicely, I believe. The couple of trusted people who I have described it to have said that it is a great idea that I need to pursue. I trust their opinion because they are not the type of people to just say its a great idea to save my feelings. They would say if they didn’t believe in its viability. But Doubt takes notes from Panic and loves to inject itself every step of the way – what if you can’t come up with the money to submit your patent application; what if it isn’t the great idea, despite what feedback you have received; what makes you think you can succeed at this; what if you do submit your patent application and it is denied; what if you do get the patent and can do absolutely nothing with it? You get the picture. Doubt is mean.
Then there is the day-to-day stuff. Winters are usually extremely financially tight for us. Its been that way for over 5 years now. Panic and Doubt have history to work with. Though our income won’t go completely away, it is going to be about 1/3 of what it has been for a few months now. It will keep us alive, barely, but that’s it. Since I haven’t come up with a way to supplement that income, especially since I’ll have the time to do so, Panic and Doubt are fueling their attack with that. My brain hurts.
The uncertainty of things, paired with the desire to not have to constantly account for every last penny, to have a life a bit less stressful, is fertile ground for Panic and Doubt to thrive in. At times, it makes me just want to scream at the top of my lungs in frustration and fear, and Blame wants to join in. Blame is much easier to handle though.
Blame wants to take multiple victims, anyone it thinks it can hold responsible for the presence of Panic and Doubt. I listen to what Blame has to say, decide whether or not there is any validity to its accusations, let Blame know when it’s completely off base, own what’s mine and label what is just life sometimes.Blame usually quiets down pretty quickly, though usually with a pout.
I know my head will be working on the issues that Panic and Doubt present to me today. It’s a “Stuck in my head” day. Though this is not always a good thing, a lot of times a bad thing, there are times when this is exactly where I find the solutions to the vulnerabilities that empower Panic and Doubt. I am really hoping this is one of those times.