Alone in a Crowd of People…

I don’t know how to write this post. I need somewhere to vomit the thoughts and emotions I’m having but I’m pretty certain that no one wants to hear it. I have a track record of being alone in a crowd of people, which is probably one of the reasons I am so comfortable behind the protection of my camera lens. But I’m hurting.

“Go to a friend. You’ve got to have a great friend to talk to when you need to.” You would think so, but no. I have a few great friends, one that has seen me go through it all. I just don’t feel I can go to them with this. Perhaps I feel I have reached my limit of “Mieke is going through something or has some problem, again” with them.

My heart is breaking and I don’t know what to do about it. That’s not right. I’m not ready to do what I’m feeling is necessary. It scares me. I get overwhelmed by trying to figure it all out.

I could just vomit it all out right here but…well, I just don’t feel that is appropriate. But I’m hurting. Its not new. Its been there for a bit, it has just hit the point where it is going to come out some way and I would prefer it wasn’t sideways. Sidways is never good for anyone, especially me.

The back log on this particular ‘issue’ has reached critical mass. No more can fit in the box to look at and/or deal with later. The tears are streaming down my face as I write this. I’m hurting. I have only ever hurt this deeply, this completely, once before in my life.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to throw things. I want to blame a God I don’t believe in. I want someone, anyone, to just make it ok. I also know this isn’t the solution. Ok. Screaming my lungs out might give me a little bit of time before complete meltdown, but it isn’t the solution. When I ask the Magic 8 Ball if I will survive this, it says “Reply hazy. Try again later.”

I used to have a counselor I went to once a week. I can’t afford that anymore and, the catch 22, I make too much to qualify for medical assistance that would cover seeing a counselor. With my schedule, I don’t really have the time anyway.

I’ve spent most of my life keeping almost everyone at arms length, except for a very few. The fact that I don’t have someone I feel I can go to right now is my own fault. I’m horrible at maintaining relationships, especially if they are ones that aren’t a part of my everyday life. The one friend I have had that has watched me go through it all has been the one to keep this friendship afloat for 25+ years and I have absolutely no idea why. I doubt I could have or would have been so noble if the tables were turned.

That is a horrible thing to admit, but there it is. Its not that she isn’t an amazing person that I am grateful has been able to see through all of my protections to the person inside. I love her. She has a constitution that I find lacking in myself.

Life has been about just making it from day to day, doing what needs to be done to survive, left foot, right foot, repeat for so long that I don’t even know how to just feel what I’m feeling. Having any difficult emotions along the way, especially over the last 5 or so years, were a huge inconvenience. I know this is part of the reason I have gotten so good at just pushing them to the side, into that box of things to look at and/or deal with later. I don’t know where I came up with the notion that this was an acceptable way to deal with things, but some part of me apparently did. In case anyone is in doubt, its not a good coping mechanism. In fact, its probably the worst way to keep moving forward.

Mr. Heffalump

My husband left to take the dogs for a walk right before I started writing this, so I have some alone time. I think I am going to go curl up with Mr. Heffalump, tell him all that hurts, then hug him tightly to me as I cry myself into feeling at least a little better. Mr. Heffalump is a great coping mechanism. 😉

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