My head is swimming with memories today. I don’t know if it is the sleep I have gotten since I finally had a day off (actually two days off. My clean for today canceled) or the fact that the kids’ Dad’s side of the family has been a topic for a couple of days since yet another person has died. Either way, the memories just keep showing up like a gallery widget wheel.
I am not close with that side of the kids’ family. There are issues and personality conflicts run rampant. Its been quite a few years (about 16 years) since those people were a part of my everyday life and, after having them back in the moderate forefront for a couple days, I am reminded of how happy I am for that.
Don’t get me wrong. These are not completely horrible people. Well, not all of them. In all actuality, I know it is just their scarring (everyone has some) that makes them the way they are. That and the lack of seeing their scarring for what it is and our personality/perspective differences.
But…well, there is a part of me that misses and is hurt by the lack of relationship with some of them. Like the kids’ oldest two siblings (their dad’s oldest two daughters). Somewhere, I became…I’m not sure how to describe it…its not really “the enemy” position but it is very similiar in feeling.
I met those two girls when they were 10 and 13 ( I was 19). There was a time when we were close. Now, I doubt they would stop to help if they saw me stranded on the side of the road. How it got like this, I am not sure. Life, I guess.
I’ve stopped being an active participant on Facebook. This was a choice I made a few months back. If something stops feeding your soul, then its time to move on and that was the case with Facebook. It left me feeling more alone than feeling connected so I decided it wasn’t worth it. I’ll still hop on sometimes to see what’s up with certain people, the girls included, but that’s about it. I don’t post, comment or like. Well, I’ll like some of the things I see about the people I truly care about, but even that is the barest minimum and has a lot to do with my own mood at the time. I guess I would be classified as the occasional FB troller.
I guess I’m just having an emotional morning. Not the break down and cry broken-heartedly type of emotional. Just the stuck in reviewing my life type of emotional. Not necessarily sad, but perhaps missing some of the good times gone by.
Isn’t it amazing that most of us remember the good parts of things much more than the bad? Recalling the bad in memories often takes thought while the good just floods in, uninvited and uninhibited. Sure there are exceptions – traumatic events, damaging/scarring events – but usually its the good that stands out like a beckon of hope. Or maybe that’s just how it works for me.
At any rate, I’m feeling nostalgic, remembering the good times, missing them in ways. I think parts of me wish I could decipher why things changed in different situations that made them come to an end. Or, perhaps, its just my mind’s way of dealing with stress by presenting a comfortable format to process things in. Whatever it is, the slide show goes on and I am enthralled by each new slide that comes up.