The demons showed up, again, yesterday. I knew they would. They always do. I only wish I could have been more prepared. They aren’t the demons under the bed, or the ones inside the closet. These demons are even more scarey. You see, they live in my head.
The demons like to wait until my defenses are at their lowest. Then, they charge in, pilaging and plundering all that I have built. My sense of direction, which path to choose and when, is taken hostage straight away. The story gets twisted and skewed. I can not bring in reinforcements. I’m in this all alone.
Its my own fault that the demons took over this time. I have been working so hard, going pretty non-stop, and I’m exhausted. I know when I reach this point, its time for me to take a day or two to recharge. The problem is, this time, I couldn’t seem to justify, in my head, taking the desperately needed break. I’ve been getting stuff done, fighting to get out of the mud, and I want to utilize that energy for as long as it is around.
I don’t know how long the demons will be here. Hopefully, not long. It makes it really hard to move forward when I’m having to stalk my mind even more vigilantly, decerning what is mine and what is the story tellings of the demons. Its exhausting, mentally.
This part of my bipolar is one of my least favorite. Its right there with the depression part and the two can work hand-in-hand sometimes. One can lead to the other and back, again. I get frustrated, I’m easily irritated. Finding the good in others is difficult at best. Finding it in myself is even harder. Sometimes, I hate being me during these times.
I know they are temporary. I know I just have to keep moving forward, to the best of my ability, without taking verbal victims. I do my best to warn those around me that I’m in that mode. Those closest to me know that its not a great time to push me on things.
I really have to take everything at the pace I am most comfortable with when I’m dealing with the head demons. I get anxious, easily, and that makes me feel defensive. I really, really try hard to not lash out at anyone since it takes almost nothing for me to feel like I need to defend myself when I’m going through this. My mouth has to be put under lock and key for fear of leaving unsuspecting victims lying on the floor bleeding. What’s worse is I almost never realize that I’ve said something so damaging.
I know this post probably seems like a pity party post. Maybe it is in some ways. Sometimes, just acknowledging the fact that the demons are in residence is enough for me to find the strength to power through the challenge and get to the other side. Sometimes, I just need to know that someone else, anyone else, gets it.