Looking out across the yard, up at the overcast sky with its dismal threat of possible rain, listening to my husband building adirondack chairs, trying to find myself this morning. I know I’m tired but sleep just doesn’t seem to be an option today. Too much to get done. The need for us to make some money today is…well, overwhelming. My self-care has been trashed and left by the side of the road to wither and die. Sigh
We have been hitting things pretty hard, as of late, and its all starting to feel like being stuck in the mud, wheels spinning, going nowhere. I know that most of this feeling is coming from my lack of taking the time for self-care, but it is also a result of doing all I can to keep things moving forward for us and not really making any head way. This, unfortunately, often times leaves me feeling depressed, and the weather today isn’t helping any.
The walk with the dogs in the morning usually is a great help for getting me energized for the day and finding the right state of mind
to face any challenges that should arise, if any. Today, not so much. Even the bouquet of wildflowers I picked in the field the dogs and I walk through for their off-leash time can’t quite shine bright enough to clear the fog.
I’m apparently having one of those days that come with having bipolar. Well, at least for me. Its just a day where finding the happy is a lot more challenging than it should be. Its a day where curling up with my blankets and either reading or watching something on Netflix is really all I want to do. I feel fragile. Raw. Alone. Stuck. And to a certain extent, hopeless.
By nature, I’m a pretty upbeat person. I can almost always find the happy in the challenge. On days like this, my pessimistic side comes out to play like the neighborhood bully looking for a little fun and I’m the focus of the abuse. I hate days like this. I can handle someone else’s pessimism, not my own.
On the other hand, we have been going non-stop for weeks. Maybe its time for a day of rest, a day for self-care. I need my happy back and I’m off to go find where it has wandered off to.
Have a great day, Everyone!!!